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Posts Tagged ‘oscar awards’

In 2005, with America on the throes of being engulfed in its own xenophobia, something remarkable happened. Director Paul Haggis witnessed an act of racism at a local pub that would change the landscape of blaxpoitation films forever. A Chinese kid was caught jabbing his arm and asked politely to leave the premises. Despite his protests that “the heroin was (r) leal mellow”, the bartender, a white man, insisted that he should leave without a fuss.

Haggis, unwillingly to let such blatant racial discrimination slide, smashed a beer bottle over the bartender’s head and ran out to the streets, covering his face with his palms and sobbing. “Why, God, Why,” by-standers heard him scream. “It’s been over two decades since Beastie Boys released their seminal Licensed to Ill album…an album, which I thought cross-pollinated hip hop and punk rock in an effort to bring races together….Oh God, Why!!” he mumbled on, apparently. After wiping the snot off his face, it struck him like something lighting quick. He realized how he felt when confronted by acts of discrimination. Paul Haggis wanted to smash racist fucks.

smashSet in fictional suburbia, Smash follows the lives of random people who randomly have inane encounters with each other and randomly share random facts about how NOT random life actually is. Starring Denzel Washington as black dude #1, Morgan Freeman as older black dude #2 and John Woo, making his on-screen debut, as irrelevant Chinese dude # 11, the film broke racial barriers as much as it did box office collections. In fact, it even broke Bruce Willis’ face for no apparent reason. The film, however, was not without controversy as many questioned the rationale behind casting a cardboard cutout of Sydney Poitier as older black dude #1…considering that Mr Poitier was still alive. But with the complete support of Hollywood and NCAAP, Smash was released promptly and within three months, became one of the year’s biggest grossers and its director Paul Haggis was no longer referred to as that Canadian-American moron who co-created Walker, Texas Ranger (which he did, by the way).

bhaskar-awards1The Bhaskar Awards proudly features the critically acclaimed Smash for smashing misconceptions about how tear-eyed, melodramatic, redundant and sentimental bullshit will no longer be tolerated by the masses.

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I once tried channeling the disdain I have nurtured for every source that celebrated the grandeur of the Oscar Awards. I ended up with a severed fingernail and a bad taste in my mouth. Papa Bear tried it once too. But then he flew into a rage, smashed his neighbour’s light bulbs and killed several moths.

Knowing that it is futile to hate something for which we don’t even have an ounce of respect is not going to help. Even if it does, we don’t need therapy. Mostly because frustration is fun. And fun always leads to funnies.

So in the spirit of fun, funnies and our general disdain against golden statuettes, we give to you…

THE BHASKAR AWARDS


bhaskar-awards

Yeah, that’s right. The friggin Bhaskar Awards.

At random intervals, Papa Bear and I would be spoofing films, actors and actresses who have won the Oscar Award over the years. And not just the ones we hate. We plan to spoof what we love too.

Visit the Bear’s lair for more details sometime next week.

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Best Picture

Slum Whale Douchebag

Slum Whale Douchebag is a touching third person narrative of how two annoying NRI kids (Dev Patel and Frieda Pinto) convince a douchebag coast guard to stop irritating the local whale by pissing in the ocean. Along the way, they discover love, friendship and vegetarianism.

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Best Actor

Don Cheadle

Don Cheadle was awarded the golden statuette (Best Actor award) for his role as a homosexual liberal Jew rapper who goes through life just like anyone else. Somewhere down the line, he thinks about doing something different but then sticks to the beaten path and once again, does what everyone else at his age and social status is expected to. Critics have praised it as the best performance by a non-homosexual liberal Jew rapper as a homosexual liberal Jew rapper.

gangsta_bob

Best Actress

Maneka Gandhi / Susan Sarandon

Maneka Gandhi was awarded the Best Actress award after the Academy wrongly perceived her to be the granddaughter of Mahatma Gandhi. Once they realized that she was a slimy pseudo-hippie and not someone who can teach them how to fight violence with inner peace, the Oscar award was snatched away from her and given to Susan Sarandon. Of course, since Mrs Sarandon has not acted in any films this year, the statuette is now on sale at e-Bay. And rumour has it that some Page 3 socialte in Mumbai bought it for her pet slumdog.

BELGIUM-EU-ENERGY-GLOBE-AWARDS-GANDHI

Lifetime Achievement Award

The Academy

This year’s lifetime achievement award was given to the honourable jury at the Academy for being able to get off their beds in the morning without falling off their asses, having taken into account the copious amounts of crack they smoke every morning before deciding to embarrass the aesthetics of art by nominating devastatingly mediocre films such as Braveheart, Titanic and Slumdog Millionaire.

jury

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