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Posts Tagged ‘Godzilla’

Director Roland Emmerich loves blowing things up. Stuff keeps going up in flames in his films all the time. He lets loose giant lizards (Godzilla), extraterrestrial beings (Independence Day) and bulging muscles (Van Damme in Universal Soldier) to wreak havoc on-screen. Truth be told, I’m glad he’s a Hollywood director. Lord knows the combination of working-class woes and homemade explosives could have landed this man in jail and a lot others in their graves. While thousands of lives have been saved by Emmerich’s foray into films, many minds have been left devastated by the sheer idiocy of his films. 2012, his latest film, is grandiosely idiotic; it is so preposterously aware of its absurdity that I almost wanted to applaud its progress into the abyss of bad filmmaking. Sort of like Lady Gaga; so kitschy and stupid that sometimes we can’t help but nod our heads to her music. Or perhaps like a T Rajendar YouTube clip that is so out of tune with physics that we obsessively replay it for shits and giggles.

The storyline in 2012 is so loathsomely drab and flimsy that I had to devote full attention to it till the end. I had to soak in every frame and bathe myself in its retarded sense of fatalism. Character development gets a sharp kick in the rear, as well. Firstly, we have Curtis (John Cusack) – a novelist – who has the personality of a soft, rotten fruit. His wife (Amanda Peet) and kids (Alexandre and Philippe) collectively could give Sigmund Freud one hell of a wet dream; so varied is their emotional response to explosions, earthquakes and personal tragedies. For instance, when his daughter sees a devastating earthquake destroy their house, her first reaction is to wonder what happened to her fucking doll. The step dad, played by Thomas McCarthy, makes up for the film’s lack of an African American misnomer. In fact, when he gets killed, his family so does not give a fuck that you almost wonder if he’s a black guy in a horror movie.

Chiwetel Ejiofor is close to being unwatchable as the annoying-as-hell, do-gooder scientist. At times, so unnatural was this character’s investment in matters of the heart and so lackadaisical his commitment towards science, one could have easily mistaken him for impersonating the bastard child of Nelson Mandela and Abdul Kalam. Danny Glover manages to outsuck Morgan Freeman, Michael Douglas and Harrison Ford (and that’s saying something) as the President of the US. Thandie Newton, Oliver Platt, that large Russian dude and his mistress are hilariously bad, as well. Woody Harrelson, who plays crazed radio jockey Charlie Frost, gets in a few obvious jokes and thankfully gets killed off before he could reach ‘Randy Quaid in Independence Day’ level of bad.

All said and done, I really wanted to like this film. I mean, who wouldn’t enjoy watching the world deteriorate, right?  Yeah the eye-popping visuals got the adrenaline going mildly but everything else about 2012 was so awful that it didn’t matter. By the time the film reached its Utopian finale, I felt exhausted. Felt tired for enduring this shit two hours, dirty for having ever harbored good thoughts about this film and stupid for ever telling Jerry, “dude, we have got to check out 2012 in the theatre”. Like a bored Thai prostitute standing in the street corner, screaming “me so horny” at hairy, overweight tourists with an endless budget for self-indulgence.

Only difference is I won’t get paid for doing this.

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The worst films I have seen from 1988-2009

juniormovie1Twins: This was my introduction to Arnold Schwarzenegger. Predator and Terminator II came into my life many years later. I remember clutching my mom’s hands and gaping in horror, as Arnold gave birth to a child in one of the film’s many unfunny, painful moments. I even gazed at my mom with a tormented expression carrying unspoken words that almost seemed to say, “Mommy, say it isn’t so”. Ok maybe it wasn’t that dramatic…but nevertheless, during an ill-advised drinking binge in Goa nearly eight years ago, I puked my lungs out after watching Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito attend Lamas classes. Now that’s a true story.

The Air I Breathe / Battlefield Earth: These films are so bad and their definition of entertainment so cheesy and campy that they doesn’t deserve anything more than a really bad haiku.

Movie really bad, very bad

Like kung fu without master

Like birthdays without dad

I want to die faster

christopher_lambert_mortal_Highlander II (The Quickening):I don’t think the world was sane enough to accommodate Christopher Lambert, Dolph Lundgren and Chuck Norris during the Eighties. Maybe that’s why it introduced AIDS into our society. However, Lundgren redeemed himself a bit with Masters Of The Universe and Chuck Norris is, of course, well on his way into a virtual demi-God. And what did Lambert do? Sucked the life out of an otherwise awesome Mortal Kombat film and starred in Highlander – a horrendous film about some Scottish warlord- futuristic ninja horseshit.

Armageddon: I’d rate this film as the most nauseating American film since Mac and Me and the worst disaster film since Godzilla XIV: This time it’s PersonooooOORRRrrrrrrl. On a side note…what messed-up concoction of prescription medicines and hallucinatory substances did it take to convince Steve Buscemi to act in this film? Having seen Con Air, I suspect that lighter fluid and ethyl spirit were also involved.

Batman and Robin / Catwoman: So bad that even people with no tastes in films whatsoever hated these two for all the right reasons. Those who thought Clooney and Chris O’Donnell “were like so funny” need professional help and about 450 Megawatts of electricity coursing through their brain.

718_gigli001Gigli: Now I am pretty sure that Matt Damon wrote the script for Goodwill Hunting and helped Kevin Smith with Dogma while Ben Affleck rewrote the lyrics for “99 Bottles Of Beer On The Wall”. This film is similar to one of those annoying friends who serve no purpose than to amuse us with their stupidity. Five minutes later, we feel like blowing their heads off (or our own) with a sawed-off shotgun.

21: Like I once said before…just like Ocean’s Eleven without Danny or the eleven others; also without Elliot Gould, Andy Garcia and Julia Roberts. No cameo appearances by Bruce Willis and Topher Grace either. You can also count out the relevant humour that made Ocean’s Eleven slightly entertaining, as well as the intelligent cut-shot direction of Soderbergh. And I’m pretty sure Kevin Spacey scores from the same dealer as Steve Buscemi. Worst friggin’ casino movie ever.

The Happening: Recent folklore has it that Al Gore has a wet dream whenever anyone recommends this film. Seriously, show me someone who likes this film and I’ll show you a three-headed baby that can whistle “Cats And The Cradle” through two of it’s nostrils.

t_5253Even Cowgirls Get the Blues: It wouldn’t have made the list if it weren’t an adaptation of a Seventies pulp noire novel written by one of the most underrated writers of all time – Tom Robbins. To further the mystery, Gus Vant Sant – one of the best Indie film directors ever – directed this atrocity. Something must have gone horribly wrong. I’d hate to suspect Buscemi again. I mean, he’s such a fantastic actor.

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